Talking About the Shadow Self

a discussion on working with the shadow self and how to best get the heart of the shadow and make its presence useful.

Shadow work is a popular topic these days. It deals with introspection, reflection, and incorporation. The essence of shadow work is claiming and incorporating the lost parts of the self. After you experience the realization of the lost parts, the current self must merge with each rediscovered part. The process requires the death of many egos. Creating a unified front demands the messy processing of a veritable warehouse of memory and emotion. Shadow work is never truly finished. We are ALWAYS going to require looking at the shadows of ourselves. 

There will always be parts of who we are that we shed, pack away, or forget existed. Those pieces remain imprinted, and left forgotten or unmanaged they can cause issues. Just because you give up sweets as an adult, doesn’t mean the child in you that loved them isn’t still alive. The neglected part of you that loved sweets could manifest negatively—for example, withholding sweets from your children or being more judgemental of other adults who eat sweets regularly. Shadow work is not always miraculous or ground-shaking breakthroughs. More commonly, working with the shadow self helps us fix small quirks we have and we are unsure of how those quirks formed. Shadow work can also help us understand our desire for objects we want but never let ourselves have. Why do we stop ourselves? A benign object we withhold from ourselves indicates a fear or hesitation to indulge in a desire to satisfy it. Such moments are good opportunities to ask why.  Why can’t I have said object? What is stopping me here from enjoying it? When you ask your current self questions, you allow yourself to uncover more of what drives your shadow self. When you answer those questions, the answers become solutions that help heal your lost parts. During the healing process, we discover the hidden talents covered by shame, hurt, confusion, or rejection.

You, the self, are the most important thing. The self should be nourished, encouraged, and given space to grow, exist, and be comfortable. However, acceptance only comes from within. Unconditional acceptance is a beautiful gift, that no one else can provide. Along the journey of self-acceptance, you are likely to find others who can relate to the shadow in you. Sharing and growing together can be a productive way to get through shadow work. Having someone else that is dealing with similar issues, can be useful. It provides a window into new and different ways to accept and handle your shadow. Yet the other person and yourself can only assist one another in the journey to true acceptance. 

 So what are the shadow parts of us? Well, they are the traits we don’t like. The shadow is what we wish we could hide away from the world all the time. Self-loathing, hatred, and irrational anger exist in the shadow of ourselves. We self-loath when someone else makes us feel inferior. If this is something you deal with, your self-confidence needs attention. Feeling less than equal stems from the desire to be different than we are, creating negative thoughts and emotions. Accepting ourselves as we are is difficult but we need to make the effort and be mindful of our limitations. Relative to our existence, there are things about who we are that can not be changed, they must only be accepted and given room to be present. Are you quick to anger? Does confrontation make you irrational? Ever wondered why? It could be a part of the shadow trying to be relevant or heard. Confrontation is uncomfortable for anyone but why would it make you irrational or overly angry? What happened to create triggers for such behavior? Has the conscious mind forgotten the original event? Leaving only the imprint behind? All questions you can ask your shadow and work through to better understand the actions made without conscious effort. Becoming more aware of your actions and reactions is helpful to create change. Shadow work is a beneficial tool that helps you accomplish this. Each time you sit with your shadow and reflect you make progress.

The nasty things we think, or do when we think no one is looking, are parts of the shadow too. Traumatic memories prefer to live buried deep inside the shadow self where no one can see. The moments when that trauma stares us in the face again are times when the shadow self demands to be seen. Your shadow self does not know when it is being protective and when it is causing more harm. Sometimes moments that bring back hard memories send the system into automatic responses. The shadow self reminds the body of what to do based on what it did the last time things felt similar. The familiar association is meant to preserve the current self and avoid danger. When a trigger is tripped, however, it is usually done unintentionally. Acting on the impulses sent to the subconscious mind can be problematic. While this is supposed to protect us, it also prevents us from moving on and truly healing. That type of reaction has to be corrected, processed, confronted, and made peace with. Then it is no longer in the shadows but part of the self and no longer a sleeping dragon lying in wait to cause more damage or make things harder for us.

Introspection is the beginning step in shadow work. Then self-reflection where you openly and honestly answer the questions you asked yourself. I want to point out, that being honest with yourself, does not mean being your own worst bully either. Becoming part of the problem is not helpful. If you instantly begin tearing yourself down, then discovering the reason why should become the first set of questions. Why am I so mean to myself? Where does the rejection come from? What is the source of the real issue here that I have with myself? Is my issue even with myself or with someone else? Being honest with yourself when you answer is difficult, but the reclamation, or incorporation of those answers is an important battle waged with who you currently are. The outer self is often quick to try and stop any attempt at merging the lost parts. We all put on a mask for the world and taking that mask off permanently is a struggle. Becoming more of ourselves is never easy. As we morph and twist who we are to remain a part of the “group” and to be accepted, many versions or pieces of who we were are lost.

Therefore patience is necessary when reincorporating parts of the shadow with the entire self. The current self will fight the authentic self for existence every time. With practice and repetition the routine of dissecting, understanding, and then accepting the shadow of ourselves becomes more familiar. It does not get easier, but it becomes healthy mental maintenance. Mental maintenance is beneficial to your overall improvement. Making the mind more receptive to accepting harder truths about who you are. The stronger you become mentally the easier it will be for you to stay clear-minded while handling tough moments through shadow work. The shadow self is vast and expansive. Each shadow is different and they evolve and change constantly.

We cannot help ourselves, society applies enough pressure and we all feel we must turn out diamonds, flawless and gleaming. But it isn’t true. We deserve to exist just as we were meant to be before life told us which parts of ourselves to keep and which ones to put away. All parts of the self are important and valid. All pieces should be present and whole. Conditioning from the world we all exist in is wrong, but it will never stop. Control is as much a part of human nature as lust and freedom. The important thing to remember is, we don’t have to accept the rules society makes up. We can be any way we want, as much of our authentic selves as we please. WE EXIST TO BE AUTHENTIC. To experience all of life, not just portions of it, and to experience that life through the driver’s seat being in control of how it makes us feel and react.

There is power in knowing the shadow parts of yourself. The parts of the soul that could be considered dark or bad. Negative emotions exist within powerful frequencies just as positive ones do. Power that can be used for destruction or production. The difference is in the choices you make. Yet, it is better to understand the potential of that power within those darker parts of who you are and choose to use that power to elevate yourself rather than destroy what you already have. Using those frequencies and emotions correctly provides better results and shapes you into a better person.  Anger if turned into motivation is a powerful tool. It can accomplish a lot and once you realize anger is where part of your shadow is living, you can start to turn that emotion into power that benefits you and assists you in achieving more for yourself. Anger is after all the other side of passion. If your shadow lives inside your sadness, turning that sadness into empathy allows you to relate to others who experience the same. You are helping them rise above their impediment just as you did. When you are petty, knowing where that comes from can help turn that behavior around and make it useful. Instead of being petty, you can walk the high road knowing when to act and speak instead of focusing on selfish desires. In every dark and or rejected part of ourselves, lies hidden potential. Another reason shadow work is so beneficial. It teaches us about the unknown power we possess. Harnessing that power helps us become more in tune with the full spectrum of our capabilities. By understanding your shadow, you balance the scales of the intimate knowledge you possess about your inner world.