Discovering Myself within the Occult
Growing up Different
I grew up Lutheran Christian and hated it. I could never align myself with the statements. “Forgive me, god, for I have sinned”, sinned according to who? To a book written in a dead language too long ago to substantiate? To standards that remained fixed like stone against an ever-evolving world? In my mind, it was never a truth. I refused to admit that I was something I was not. I refused to believe that being born, was enough to be judged as an inherently “bad” person in need of redemption from an all-mighty god. Going to church every Sunday with my family was a trial. The older I got, the more of a trial it became. Going was just what was expected out of the grandkids. The dogmatic Christian faith felt hollow inside. I would look for that glimmer of connection or peace that I was told came with the faith and it never found me. That peace seemed always present in my grandparents, however. They lived their day-to-day lives with God so close at hand. The entire experience felt robotic. Everyone filled in and took their seat, reaching for the hymnal, and standing when the priest said stand, it was all too simple. There was no single verse, phrase, or prayer that did anything but present more questions followed by more of my disagreements. The words inside the hymnal are things said because they are written out. Designated as if we all stood on an assembly line. I observed that even though words such as I and us were used, there was no link between the individual and god himself. Nothing that made any of it unique. At my core, it felt wrong. I was only there to please my grandmother. She was the only reason I went through communion and confirmation. Memorizing bible verses that I forgot just as quickly and discussing the ethics in the stories in the “good book”.
I think in part because it was never my choice. I didn’t pick this faith for myself, it wasn’t where I wanted to turn when needing guidance. There was only obligation. I seemed to stand alone in this, even at a young age. I was different from my siblings, and parents. I was odd, my behavior was “wrong” according to my family. I was acting out. My whole life I was told I would settle into the faith. I never did. Going to church and being a good Christian instead became cornerstones in their own right, stones my family and I grew comfortable building arguments around and fighting over. To them, my lack of faith and inability to be a “good Christian” were the reasons I kept finding trouble to get into. Never mind the countless days and nights I would spend attempting to have a conversation with their god and receiving nothing in return. I feel people have unique ways of acknowledging and receiving messages from THE GODS, and through my own, I was getting nothing in return for all my effort. I felt alone in my struggle. Family and friends alike never seemed to have the same trouble I did. They believed in this God, who claimed to be the only one, who claimed to be all-encompassing without being dual. This god that promised omniponcey, and fairness, and it all seemed logical, and normal to them. Yet when I sat with it, the lack of imperfection was a major flaw.
At the age of 17, I started looking for something more. Something deep, I needed something more than just showing up on Sunday, and carrying a book around that never actually got read. The funny thing about most people who call themselves Christian, they don't read the “good book”. They quote phrases from it, the ones most repeated by the masses without taking time to reflect or meditate on the deeper meaning of the teachings. As a child, I was focused on how I didn’t connect with what I was being taught. As an adolescent, I noticed and began to observe the behavior of the followers. The ones that did claim to be close to god, and yet judged everyone around them. The ones that showed up every weekend and yet, Monday night through Saturday, they’re living in the bar after work. What I saw was a myriad of hypocrites who all used their faith as an excuse to do untoward things and because their god would forgive if only they asked, they were there praying for it. They ask for forgiveness every Sunday, walk out of church with a clear conscience, and go back to doing it all over again. "Come back and beg for your forgiveness on Sunday." should be every church slogan. Even the devout are not devout. I began to form a conclusion within myself, that the followers of the Christian faith find it far too easy to only show up one half of the way and take a lazy approach to their belief and faith. Most of them aren’t even aware they don’t live a life fulfilled through faith because what they mistake as faith is only the resignation of motion. Another fact that further supported my early-age conclusion, being Christian required no original thought. While Christianity may suit some perfectly well, it never suited me.
The research I did brought me across authors like Gerald Gardner, and Raymon Buckland. Powerful authors of Wicca, who gained a large following by writing about the experiences they went through and the insights they gained from them. I dove head first into Wicca, learning many valuable facts that served as a solid platform that I built on continuously. I read about different pantheons, I found deities all around the globe that spoke to me, in one form or another. I found that Wicca was a system with heavy roots in nature, the elements, and recognizing multiple deities instead of just one. The fact that Wicca used deities that came from pagan beliefs grabbed my attention from the very beginning. I had always had a fascination for the gods and goddesses of other faiths. The gods and goddesses within those other faiths always seemed more real somehow. They had imperfections or character flaws. They were powerful but neither all good nor all bad. The myths and legends were full of perilous tests and trials, the heroes struggling as they strove to prevail against the odds. I found most aspects of Wicca to be so captivating and welcoming. Wicca brought with it this sense of freedom to choose where my belief went. I walked through my year and a day of study, researching the properties of plants, the energy in all things, and how Wicca, and witchcraft in general was a journey and a way of life that you can truly make your own. I learned about the "harm none" concept, and how simple things can sometimes be the most profound. I read and read and read and reflected and practiced skills. I could not get enough. I still can't in fact.
Starting out
Just starting out, the “harm none” rule I think was one of the most important guidelines that I came across. I wasn’t looking into witchcraft for reasons that were of ill-intent. Wicca’s ties to nature spoke so loudly to me. From a young age, I was always more comfortable outside. Closer to the earth than to my belongings. Summer nights spent out under the stars, in the moonlight, and around the fire, collecting flowers that seemed to attract me more than others, speaking with the insects around me. I learned about how everything was endowed with symbolic meaning and that nature was an ever-flowing source of energy. This made me feel even more connected to the earth I already cherished. Terms such as rebirth and regeneration took on deeper meanings. The beliefs and principles felt as natural to me as breathing and the rituals brought a calm over me that I had never experienced before. Flowers became more than just pretty things, soil more than just dirt, and the elements themselves held more power than ever before. I felt as if I was stepping into the home I had never known and my faith in the unknown soared. I started writing down my findings and creating my book of shadows. That book of shadows has turned into several notebooks full of notes and rituals worked out for my intentions and purposes. Now and then I pull the ones from the beginning out and go back through them. I always surprise myself at what my mind files away and doesn’t remember until I see it again, or require it.
In Wicca, there was suddenly symbolism and purpose in all that was around me. Unseen purpose without giving it mystical attributes that tied them to the unknown. I was hooked from the first book. I stuck to Wicca for a few years starting with the basics. I took my time. absorbing information. I reached out through social media although, at the time there were not many solitary practitioners talking openly through media platforms. Finding experienced voices on the topic of witchcraft, energy work, spell work, or the occult in general was hard. I undertook countless searches through the vast internet, finding references for reliable reading material and information. The further I dug into the information highway, the more I learned about centering, grounding, meditating, and setting intentions. How important it is to have a clear picture in your mind when doing any kind of ritual or rite. I stumbled upon a marvelous author Christopher Penczak. His book, “The Inner Temple of Witchcraft, magic, meditation, and Psychic Development” was very helpful in developing my skill at meditation. Many authors have come out with some very reliable works over the years, and there are more and more each year. The more the occult and witchcraft are normalized the more I see the information getting out. I had to look in all manner of places to find information, I looked in astrology books, books on energy, books on plants, etc. My research even took me through books of philosophy. The more I stretched my mind, the more I challenged myself the more I wanted to keep going. Witchcraft was almost an educational game and sport, where I pushed myself to continue to improve and become better. Stretching my skills and personal gifts. I found my niche in herbal magic and sigil work. I keep plants as some of my many totems, along with my daily charms, and wearable magic. I made plants my main area of focus for some time. At times, sourcing from so many places would feel overwhelming and I would dial back, and focus on one thing. Sometimes I would switch from plants to crystals for a few weeks, learning which crystals had which properties and what they were best used for or I would focus more on practicing meditation or centering.
Many years later
Now, it's been over a decade since I went looking for something more and found my home. While I started in Wicca I have dabbled in many of the metaphysical practices and informed myself on many topics. I claim the general title of Satanist at this stage in my studies, I claim no affiliation with any one sect, however. There are many out there, I am happy just leaving it general and building my melting pot of a system that works for me because that was what I needed when I started all those years ago and that is exactly what witchcraft and the occult have given to me. I have met many unique individuals on my journey and continue to meet many more. I am always going back to basics as I build on the platform my year and one day study gave me and I am always willing to sit and listen to those more experienced than myself. It is still a passion, love, and joy for me. A light in my life I have not found in many other things. I am happy to share my knowledge and joy for all things metaphysical, spiritual, or occult with any who wish to learn more. I believe those of us who stick with this path have a responsibility to pass on the insights learned after long dedication and experience in the occult and witchcraft to others. Encourage more people to connect with the earth, and tap into the universal energy that is in abundance around us. Work with those energies, let them in, let them heal us.
There is not one single part of my day that does not involve some form of craft or metaphysical work. Whether it's charging my coffee with positive energy and intention for the day so I may be as productive as I possibly can be or meditations as I get out of bed and begin to wake up, the breathing I do throughout the day, especially when things are tense or difficult, the mantras that keep my mind positive and grateful, the rites I do for the wheel of the year, down to the colors I wear, my jewelry, and the items that decorate my car and home. I use everyday items and charge them with energy that has a designated purpose. There is even magic in the way I sweep my floors and clean my house. As I clean I release. Witchcraft is not hard unless you want it to be. There are forms of ceremonial high magic. I do not practice them out of respect for those who do and dedicate years of their lives to one field. They have an amazing amount of dedication and faith and it takes a lot of study and time to be part of the groups who make high magic their main fountain of enrichment and knowledge. My point is though, that magic does not take fancy words and long drawn-out spells. It can but it doesn’t have to and it can be simply charging energy and using your mind to direct it where you want it to go and for what purpose you need most. I think that is the best part of learning what witchcraft is, what magic is, and what the occult can offer. There isn’t a wrong way to practice. There is your way. My practice is eclectic as the day is long. I do not stick to any one pantheon. I do not always do the same ritual the same way twice either. Most of the time, my magic is on the fly, the rites come from me, and they are original and sometimes done on the go, solely through improvisation. The intention is there though. The intention and the energy I send out with that intention. The sequence of events that will then be set in motion is what matters. I pull from so many sources. I have taken what works and I leave what does not. I do not discount anything, because even though it wasn’t something that would work for me, it is just as real and valid. It will work for someone. My practice involves a lot of energy work. That is my primary method of working anything into my life. I gather and charge energy and pull totems that are of similar frequency and use them as batteries for my intention. My craft is a simple one but it is powerful. It enriches my life daily and it is purely my own. I put together every piece of that puzzle and my findings, my customized spells, and the inventory i keep are all a part of that. I have an amazing system that serves my every need, and I will never stop adding to that. Making my system gave me confidence in my power. My ability to reach out into the universe and open doors. Solve issues, and find justice in life for things that would otherwise be out of my control.
Sources and References
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-27782244
https://christopherpenczak.com/